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Why good fathers are important
Your parenting will have a real effect on what kind of grown-up your child becomes. Children are born with a set of genetic traits, and these are important. But parenting matters. We know this because children with problem behaviors frequently improve when their parents learn better child-rearing practices.
For years, mothers did most of the work of parenting, while fathers supported the family. Today, mothers and fathers often share both parenting tasks and the job of providing for the family. Research tells us that the father’s part in these twin tasks is just as important as the mother’s. Research also shows us that children with loving fathers have fewer behavior problems.
Children benefit from having both fathers and mothers because fathers and mothers behave differently. The ways they differ include:
- Physicality. Fathers often interact with their children in a physical, energizing way, perhaps roughhousing with them. Mothers’ actions are often calming and soothing.
- Protectiveness. Mothers often smooth things over for their children. Fathers are more likely to let their children become frustrated, so they can learn to deal with their feelings.
Certain qualities contribute to being a good dad. You may have some of these characteristics naturally. Others may require a little work.
#1 Good Dads Are Involved
Good fathers spend a lot of time with their children. Even children realize that people spend time on what is important to them. Fathers who prioritize time with their kids are showing their love in a concrete way.
Spending time with kids is important for other reasons, too. It’s difficult to get to know your children if you seldom interact with them. It’s also hard for them to know you.
#2 Good Dads Encourage Independence
While involved parents are good for kids, some parents take it to extremes. They may protect children from the consequences of their actions. They may deny their children age-appropriate activities, such as going to camp or learning to drive. This practice is sometimes called overparenting.
Moms can overprotect children, but dads can be guilty, too. The overparenting school or sports dad is as common as the helicopter mom who worries over letting her child out of her sight. The negative results of overparenting can include:
- A lack of resilience. Children need to face setbacks so they can learn to recover from them
- Feelings of entitlement. When you fix things for your kids, they may begin to expect special treatment
- Lack of life skills. If you do everything for your children, they may not learn responsibility
- Inability to regulate themselves. Overparenting can keep your children from learning self-control
- Anxiety. If you are anxious about your kids’ challenges, you may pass your anxiety on to them
#3 Good Dads Discipline Appropriately
To many fathers, discipline means punishment, possibly because that’s what it meant in their own families growing up. It’s helpful if you think of discipline not as a way to control children but as a way to teach them. If you have spent time in positive interactions with your children, they are more likely to be open to correction from you.
Appropriate discipline is geared to the age of the child.
- Babies. Infants don’t misbehave, because they don’t know the rules. You can redirect a baby’s attention, but you shouldn’t use discipline
- Toddlers. With children aged 1 to 3, you can enforce basic rules that keep them safe and protect your property from damage
- Preschoolers. As your children get older, explain in simple terms why they can and cannot do certain things
- School-age children. Pair explanations with both positive and negative consequences
Many pediatricians and child experts do not recommend spanking as a method of discipline. It can make children who struggle with anger or aggression angrier and more aggressive. That leads to more spankings and often creates a negative cycle.
#4 Good Fathers Are Financially Responsible
We are well past the days when fathers were the sole supports of their families. Still, research shows that jobs improve most men’s self-image and feelings of manhood. Also, men with full-time jobs have better relationships with their children than those who are unemployed or underemployed.
Of course, you may give up full-time work in order to care for children or go to school. At other times, jobs can be hard to find. Still, fathers have a role to play in providing for their children. Good dads are financially literate. They know how to deal with banks and credit card companies. They know how to ask for help in a financial crisis.
You can help your children grow into financially responsible adults. You can teach your children how to spend wisely and encourage them to save money.
#5 A Good Father Works With the Other Parent
How you interact with your children’s other parent is important. If you and the other parent are still partners, show affection to your partner every day. Model good conflict resolution and demonstrate the art of compromise. Show forgiveness rather than holding a grudge.
If you are no longer involved with your children’s other parent, you don’t have to show affection, but you should show respect. Your communication style is a good place to start:
- Be businesslike
- Ask instead of tell
- Listen to your ex
- Focus conversations on the children
- Train yourself not to react to hot-button issues
- End the conversation if you can’t stay calm
Your children are more likely to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted if they don’t witness conflict between their
Good dads benefit everyone
The same qualities that make you a good dad can also improve your life. Involved fathers:
- Are less likely to have problems with substance abuse
- Have fewer admissions to the hospital
- Have fewer contacts with law enforcement and the criminal justice system
- Are less likely to suffer a fatal accident or die prematurely
Your community gains from actively involved fathers. Children benefit from good fathering. In short, everyone wins.
Parenting Guide: Healthy Principles That Work
Introduction to Healthy Parenting
Raising happy and healthy children is a tough job. Parenting involves not just relying on our instincts or doing what our parents did before us, but knowing what works best for our children, and why. In The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, author Laurence Steinberg, PhD, a professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia, gives practical advice on how to raise confident and well-adjusted children.
What You Do Matters
Parents are important role models for their children, who learn how to behave by watching mom and dad. “This is one of the most important principles,” Steinberg explains. “What you do makes a difference…Don’t just react on the spur of the moment. Ask yourself, What do I want to accomplish, and is this likely to produce that result?” Whether it’s eating healthy foods, exercising, treating others kindly, or being honest, children are paying attention and look to their parents for cues on how to behave.
There is no such thing as “too much” love. Remember that material possessions or lack of rules and limits is not the same thing as love. “It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love,” Steinberg writes. “What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing a child too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child things in place of love — things like leniency, lowered expectations, or material possessions.”
Be Involved in Your Child’s Life
Parenting involves a lot of responsibility. “Being an involved parent takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs to do. Be there mentally as well as physically,” writes Steinberg.
At the same time, while parents need to be there for their children, they should not do everything for them, including homework. “Homework is a tool for teachers to know whether the child is learning or not,” Steinberg says. “If you do the homework, you’re not letting the teacher know what the child is learning.”
The age of a child can greatly affect how he or she behaves. Know what behavioral changes are normal and help support them in their personal growth and development.
“The same drive for independence that is making your 3-year-old say ‘no’ all the time is what’s motivating him to be toilet trained,” writes Steinberg. “The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is making her argumentative at the dinner table.”
Establish and Set Rules
When a child is younger, it’s important to help manage his behavior, which teaches him how to manage himself. “If you don’t manage your child’s behavior when he is young, he will have a hard time learning how to manage himself when he is older and you aren’t around,” Steinberg says. “Any time of the day or night, you should always be able to answer these three questions: Where is my child? Who is with my child? What is my child doing? The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself.”
As children age, parents should be involved while allowing their children independence. “…you can’t micromanage your child,” Steinberg writes. “Once they’re in middle school, you need to let the child do their own homework, make their own choices, and not intervene.”
Boundaries for children are important. “Setting limits helps your child develop a sense of self-control. Encouraging independence helps your child develop a sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, he’s going to need both,” says Steinberg.
“It’s normal for children to push for autonomy. Many parents mistakenly equate their child’s independence with rebelliousness or disobedience. Children push for independence because it is part of human nature to want to feel in control rather than to feel controlled by someone else.” These behaviors may be challenging for parents, but they are an important step for childhood development.
Be Consistent
Set rules and be consistent in applying them. “If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child’s misbehavior is your fault, not his,” says Steinberg. “Your most important disciplinary tool is consistency. Identify your nonnegotiables. The more your authority is based on wisdom and not on power, the less your child will challenge it.”
Physical discipline is never an option. “Children who are spanked, hit, or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children. They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others,” Steinberg writes.
“There are many other ways to discipline a child — including ‘time out’ — which work better and do not involve aggression.”
Explain Your Rules and Decisions
Have clear expectations that are age-appropriate and make sure they are clear to the child in a way he understands. “Good parents have expectations they want their child to live up to,” Steinberg writes. “Generally, parents over-explain to young children and under-explain to adolescents. What is obvious to you may not be evident to a 12-year-old. He doesn’t have the priorities, judgment, or experience that you have.”
Treat children with respect and they will learn to respect others, including their parents. “The best way to get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully,” Steinberg writes. “You should give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Children treat others the way their parents treat them. You are modeling behaviors that your child will emulate. Your relationship with your child is the foundation for her relationships with others.”
Rewards of Good Parenting
The more you practice good parenting skills, Steinberg says, the more natural it will be even in the times you respond instinctively. For Steinberg, good parenting fosters healthy psychological adjustment and it promotes positive behaviors and attributes such as honesty, empathy, self-reliance, kindness, cooperation, success in school, intellectual curiosity, motivation to learn, and the desire to achieve. Steinberg states good parenting also helps deter children from antisocial behaviors, drug and alcohol abuse, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders.
Parenting Guide: Healthy Eating for Kids
Healthy eating can be a challenge for busy families, especially for those with children. Parents can encourage healthy food choices in kids using the strategies on the following slides. Read on to learn how national nutrition experts encourage kids to eat healthy foods and ditch the junk!
Avoid a Mealtime Power Struggle
Power struggles with children over food are never a good idea, according to Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE. Pawel is the author of “The Parent’s Toolshop.” Authoritarian rules about food are rarely successful. It’s more important to instill the rationale behind food rules. Once children understand the “why” of healthy eating rules, they will be more likely to make smart food choices lifelong.
Let Kids Participate
Sal Severe, PhD, author of “How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too,” says asking children to help prepare meals is a good way to get them to eat better. Even young children can help with simple tasks in the kitchen that make them feel good about participating.
Don’t Label
Children under the age of 5 are often picky eaters, according to Dr. Severe. Elizabeth Ward, MS, RD, says, “Being selective is actually normal.” The better term for a picky eater is a “limited eater.”
Build on the Positives
Ward says, “When I sit down with parents, we’ll often find that their child actually does eat two or three things from each food group.” The same way children enjoy hearing the same story over and over, they like certain “predictable” foods. Ward adds, “Even though they aren’t getting a wide variety of foods, they are actually doing OK nutritionally.” A good time to try to introduce new foods is during a child’s growth spurt. Parents can use the child’s increased appetite as an opportunity to try new foods.
Expose, Expose, Expose
Your child won’t try a new food? Don’t give up. Ward says it takes between 10 and 15 introductions to a new food before a child will accept it. Many parents give up too soon. Don’t give up if your child just pushes a new food around his or her plate. There will be a day when your child takes a bite! Be careful not to introduce too many new foods too fast, advises Severe. Introducing one or two new foods per week is a good pace.
Don’t Bribe
Pawel advises against bribing kids with sweets to get them to eat something healthy. Children should be taught to eat well for their own health not because they’ll receive a reward. Feeling good and being healthy is the real reward.
Beware of Over-Snacking
Children may avoid trying a new food when they are full, according to Ward. “Kids can consume a lot of their calories as milk and juice.” Snacks such as sweets, soda, and chips, provide little more than empty calories. “If you are going to offer snacks, make sure they are supplementing meals, not sabotaging them,” says Ward.
Establish Limits
According to Pawel, parents should establish some bottom-line limits and be consistent to reinforce healthy eating in their kids. Parents may require kids eat healthy foods before eating snacks or they may insist children try at least one bite of a new food before dismissing it. Pawel adds, “Consistency only works if what you are doing in the first place is reasonable.” Extreme rules about food, such as being too permissive or too controlling, are not a good idea. The best and most effective bottom-line rules are balanced and healthy.
Examine Your Role Model
Leading by example is one of the best ways to reinforce healthy eating habits in children. “Do as I say, not as I do,” is not the right strategy according to Pawel. Children will be more likely to choose salads over French fries when they see parents modeling healthy eating. The opposite is also true. Parents who fill up on sugar, fat, and salt will have a harder time getting their children to eat healthy foods.
Defuse Mealtimes
Eating habits should not be discussed during mealtime, according to Ward. Minimize stress at mealtimes by talking about food choices at another time, such as during story time or bedtime. You do not want mealtimes to be focused on what your child does or does not eat.
Give It Time
“I find that children become much more open to trying new foods after the age of 5,” according to Ward. “Most of the time, kids will simply grow out of limited eating.”
Ways to Raise Healthy Kids
Introduction
Healthy eating habits are an important lesson you can teach your children. The example you set is the best way to help your kids make smart food choices and to develop a positive relationship with food. Melinda Sothern, PhD, coauthor of Trim Kids and director of the childhood obesity prevention laboratory at Louisiana State University shares her “Top 10” tips for getting children to eat healthy foods.
1. Do Not Restrict Food
Never restrict foods. This can have a negative effect on growth and development, and it can also increase the risk of a child developing an eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia later in life. Instead, emphasize a healthy eating plan with a wide variety of healthy foods such as fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, while avoiding processed and junk foods.
Kids tend to eat whatever is available and they can only eat what you keep in the house. Keep a bowl of fruit such as apples or bananas on the counter, and when you snack, have some fruit. “Your actions scream louder than anything you will ever tell them,” says Sothern. That way you can model healthy eating habits at home.
3. Don’t Label Foods as “Good” or “Bad”
When providing your kids with a healthy eating plan, don’t label foods as “good” or “bad,” but instead try to connect them to things your child likes. Make sure they know that the antioxidants in fruits and vegetables will keep their hair shiny and their skin clear. Let them know that lean protein such as that in turkey breast, or the calcium in dairy products and non-dairy milk will help them stay strong for their soccer games. Encourage them to eat a healthy breakfast so they can stay focused in school.
4. Praise Healthy Choices
Always let your children know you are proud of them when they make healthy food choices. Praise them and let them know they made a smart choice when they opt for fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.
5. Don’t Nag About Unhealthy Choices
Even though you praise healthy choices, kids are going to choose unhealthy foods sometimes. The best strategy is to ignore it. Opt instead for healthy versions of the foods they crave. Try roasting potato sticks tossed in a hint of oil in the oven as a substitute for French fries. Fresh strawberries dipped in a little dark chocolate can satisfy a sweet tooth, and dried fruits make great handy snacks to keep on hand. Try some healthy snack ideas as substitutes for less healthy versions.
6. Never Use Food as a Reward
Never use food as a reward. When food is used as a prize it can create weight problems and issues around food later in life. Instead of food rewards, give your kids non-food rewards. The best kind involves fun physical activity, such as trips to the park, bike rides, or a game of catch.
7. Sit Down to Family Dinners at Night
Prepare plates for meals in the kitchen, not at the table. This way, you can ensure there are healthy portions on everyone’s plates and this will help children learn correct portion sizes. You may also find it helps with your weight loss efforts too! A healthy portions plate consists of lots of vegetables, some fruit, whole-grains and some lean protein.
8. Prepare Plates in the Kitchen
Prepare plates for meals in the kitchen, not at the table. This way, you can ensure there are healthy portions on everyone’s plates and this will help children learn correct portion sizes. You may also find it helps with your weight loss efforts too!
9. Give the Kids Some Control
Let your children have some control over the foods they eat and participate in the decision-making about what is served. Start by asking your children to take just three bites of all the foods on their plate, and grade them A to F, like in school. If a healthy food such as a vegetable gets a high grade, serve that item more often.
10. Consult Your Pediatrician
Consult your child’s pediatrician before putting your child on a diet, whether the diet is to lose weight, gain weight, or is just a significant change from the foods your child is used to eating. Don’t diagnose your child as being over or underweight on your own – always get a physician’s recommendation. Make sure to follow your pediatrician’s advice regarding your kid’s diet plan.
Conclusion
It can be tough for kids to navigate their world with so many food choices. “It’s all about gradual changes, it’s not overnight, and it’s an uphill battle for parents,” Sothern tells WebMD. “Everything outside of the home is trying to make kids overweight. The minute they walk out of the home, there are people trying to make them eat too much and serving them too much.” Teach them how to be smart about food at home, and they will learn lessons about healthy eating to last a lifetime.
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